Certainly on your list of acquaintances is at least one super-smart colleague who, after being promoted, failed miserably … Or … maybe … a colleague who didn’t promise much, but who, after being given the same chance, wrote a beautiful success story… To everyone’s surprise ?! Right?

What is the secret ingredient that makes some people do better than others? Is it enough to be the best at what I do? How important emotional intelligence, affective logic, social, intrapersonal or interpersonal intelligence are* in this equation?

Beyond any controversy about the mix, proportions and importance of ingredients for success, one thing seems certain: being the smartest in the room does not bring you much benefit. Still further. If you rely just on this, your successes may be counted … on your fingers.

What do we supplement, then?

Think about the people who influenced you: mom, dad, husband, wife, boss, that cool guy on TV … What features do you appreciate most about them? Write them down. Now if you look closely at your answers you will see that none of them refer to IQ … The important things that stay close to our soul, such as ambition, vision, control, availability, empathy belong exclusively to emotional intelligence.

But what is EQ and how can you become more emotionally intelligent?

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to be aware, control and manifest personal emotions, respectively to manage interpersonal relationships in an efficient and empathetic way. This means that you have the ability to accurately recognize emotions and feelings when they happen, that you can use your feelings in a constructive way, that you understand and feel the emotions, thoughts and motivations of others, but also that you have the ability to inspire and the influence of people around.

It is important to know that although we are limited by IQ, EQ can develop. We can get to know each other much better, put our emotions to work when we need to, but also squeeze them when they hurt us, understand the emotions, thoughts and motivations of those around us, inspire and influence them, grow some of us the others. Success in social interactions is a hallmark of emotional intelligence, built on empathy. Without empathy, it is impossible to sustain long-term relationships. So, this time we will focus more on it.

Throughout my career, I have met many colleagues without empathy. It is difficult to work with people who are not willing to understand your motives and options and who create tensions from the smallest things. On the other hand, I was very lucky to have colleagues and bosses at the opposite pole.

Let’s start with one fact: Not everyone can be empathetic

Being empathetic is not just about feeling the other person’s emotions, it’s not about being rational in understanding the situation and applying recipes by the book, regardless of the feelings of the person you are talking to. Empathy is about to see the other’s world through his eyes, considering his past, experiences and values, it is about appreciating the other for what he is, without prejudice and without filtering his motivations through your own motivations, it is about understanding his feelings and communicating understanding, filtered understanding both rationally and emotionally.

It is said that IQ helps you get a job, but EQ helps you keep it.

So how do we train our empathy?

I have a friend with a verbal tic: “I know!” Whenever I try to say something He knows… and all my synapses are blocked … I find no way to continue the dialogue and any attempts to cure it seem doomed to failure.

So the first step to training the empathy that comes to mind is to talk to each other more often I do not know.  It’s hard… in this environment of experts and professionals in which I grew up…. But the truth is that we know nothing about the motivation of others until we make an effort to find out. But how do we do that?

-> We listen actively – without the phone, without thinking about our own, without judging and without passing everything the other says through the filter of personal experiences. So without what would I do? In return
-> We think about the things we have in common with that person and
-> We try to see the world through her eyes.
-> We are in no hurry to draw conclusions
-> We listen too
-> We pay attention to micro-gestures…
-> We confirm from time to time that we are taking part in the discussion (sure, yes, uuu) and
-> We then categorize the feelings (I see you’re upset about this change…) Even if we don’t do it right, our interlocutor will correct us.
-> We ask open-ended questions so that the other can provide more details… not to provide solutions, but
-> To help him find them himself

Be careful, though! Empathy is not just about problems. Any discussion about hobbies, about what we did last night, about the holidays provides information about what is important for others, helps build strong relationships, indirectly improves the work environment, increases confidence and productivity. Therefore, invest perseveringly in its development!

E.g. Daniel Goleman – Emotional Intelligence; Social intelligence. The new science of human relations, Theodule Ribot yes Gustave Le Bon – Affective logic – another type of logic !, Howard Gardner – Multiple Intelligences.